NFL Week 2 Report: U2, Josh Allen, and Horse Blood

With our society buckling under the pressure of forest fires, hurricanes, political earthquakes, and police tornados, at least we have the loving embrace of the NFL to help us sleep at least three nights a week.

Wait, what was that? Saquon Barkley’s out for the year with a torn ACL?! But he was my first pick in fantasy this year!

Put your mask on and maybe hop into one of those human-sized bubble balls. Here’s a status report on the NFL heading into Week 3. 

Sunday Bloody Sunday 

Believe it or not, but there was a time when U2 connoted something vaguely edgy and interesting.

Anyway, the most obvious story after last weekend’s NFL slate was the blizzard-like accumulation of injuries. Who didn’t get injured, really? Saquon, Jimmy Garoppolo, Christian McCaffrey, Nick Bosa, Drew Lock…the list goes on. How bad are things heading into Week 3? Take it from Jets head coach Adam Gase: “[W]hoever has a pulse right now” could play this week.

When this many (well-known) players get hurt on the same day, questions are bound to pop up. For example, why are so many players getting injured? Are these players okay? How will a given injury impact a given player’s career moving forward? Is there a way we can prevent these injuries in the future besides stop playing football? 

Or how about: How do the impacts of these injuries on FOOTBALL size up against each other? I have to admit that I hadn’t considered that question until ESPN’s NFL expert Bill Barnwell had the totally reasonable and not-at-all exploitative idea to do injury power rankings earlier this week. After getting baited into reading these rankings, I slammed my laptop shut, retreated to a dark room, and listened to U2’s entire musical catalogue on vinyl. 

(When several days of this failed to soothe me, I threw my record player straight through my second-story window and inadvertently broke up a gang war brewing between two warring factions of lizards. You’re a lizard trying to defend your family’s homeland when, suddenly, an asteroid takes out your half-brother Jonathan? Yeah…I still feel bad about it even if I did create the conditions for a cease-fire.)

Hear me out: I know people love rankings and lists and FOOTBALL, but where is the line? Barnwell threw in a weak disclaimer before ranking these injuries that I’m sure he thought was his golden ticket to writing the article in the first place: “All injuries are bad, and one injury isn’t more or less meaningful than another, but some impact the NFL season more than others.”

Cool, dude! Like we didn’t already know that! I get it, okay? Injuries happen. But if a team loses a star player for an extended period of time, you can probably assume that team is going to be worse. Ranking the body parts and team impacts of these injuries is simply dehumanizing.

Imagine an army general at HQ hunkered over his desk mourning the loss of some of the battalion’s soldiers and the life-altering injuries of others after a brutal firefight. A moment passes, then Sgt. A-Hole pipes up: “Hey, Mr. General, sir—what if we ranked the injuries of our comrades from worst to not-as-bad in terms of how they impact the battalion moving forward? Wouldn’t that be cool?! I mean, I know all injuries are ‘bad,’ but some impact us more than others, you know? Like, when Lt. Maroney lost his foot, you know—that was pretty bad. But that’s, like, fifteenth in my rankings since he’s only a lieutenant and it’s just a foot. I mean, Col. Horowitz lost his good arm and his good ear! He’s got to be in the top ten at least.”

Maybe this is all due to Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe it’s pandemic-acceptable. Maybe it’s just boredom. I don’t know. But do better, Sgt. A-Hole.

Pulp Fiction 

As if in-game injuries weren’t enough, a team doctor for the Los Angeles Chargers set a new record before Sunday’s game by becoming the first team doctor in franchise history to puncture the lung of the starting quarterback.

What the hell? I mean, even a doped-up John Travolta could stab somebody in the chest without causing undue injury.

There are a lot of reasons to feel bad for Tyrod Taylor. He had to ride the bench behind Joe Flacco (albeit, during his “elite” years) for the first four years of his career. Then, despite being selected to the Pro Bowl his first year as a starter in Buffalo and leading the Bills to their first playoff game in almost two decades, he was run out of town. Three games into starting for the Cleveland Browns, he got injured and was replaced forever by Baker Mayfield. Last year, he rode the bench behind an on-his-last-arm Philip Rivers. 

Now, Taylor is about to lose his second straight starting gig to a rookie quarterback because…he got accidentally stabbed in the lung by a doctor! And this is all before we consider that Taylor’s own head coach, Anthony Lynn, isn’t even mad about this. And this is all before we consider the fact that NFL players routinely get this kind of painkiller injection just to play football…

Tyrod Taylor will probably be lost to obscurity in NFL history, but he shouldn’t be. Hopefully, in an alternate universe, Taylor is lighting it up on the field and pain-free off of it.

King Buffalo

Apparently, there’s a “heavy psych” band from Rochester, New York fronted by Sean McVay called King Buffalo. Unfortunately, this Sean McVay is not the same Sean McVay that coaches the Rams.

Speaking of Josh Allen…

That transition is how it feels watching everybody fetishize Josh Allen after Week 2. It’s jarring. And yet, it’s so white expected. And everybody is getting in on it—even here at Talking Points Sports!

Allen still isn’t a consistently accurate quarterback. He’s averaged almost a fumble a game for his entire career (incl. this season). He’s a less effective runner than the likes of Mahomes, Jackson, Wilson, and Murray while being a fraction of the passer. Despite racking up yards and touchdowns the first couple games this year (the stats everyone is using to hail him as the second coming of Christ), the Bills beat the Jets by 10 in Week 1 and the Dolphins by 3 in Week 2.

The Opponents Argument is the most obvious one, but it’s one worth repeating. Check out these fawning power rankings by Yahoo’s Frank Schwab. The Bills are the third-best team in the league…after beating the sixth-worst team and the worst team by 13 points combined? Huh?

The lame version: Let’s watch how Josh Allen does against the Rams—a relatively decent team with a decent defense—and see where to go from there. He’s got good numbers so far, but it’s unclear he’s actually gotten more accurate or less turnover-prone.

The fun version: JOSH BLEEPING ALLEN OMG HE’S A GOD ALL HAIL THE MVP!

Which one seems closer to the truth to you?

The Basement Tapes

Several teams are off to 0-2 starts this year, which begs the… DAMN IT, SGT. A-HOLE, STOP COMPULSIVELY RANKING THINGS. 

Camera Obscura

As if dodging viruses, headhunters, errant needles, and questionable turfs wasn’t enough, apparently NFL players are also expected to dodge vehicles this year.

Las Vegas Raider Jonathan Abrams seemed to lose consciousness after colliding with a camera cart during Monday Night Football this week. Since then, the NFL and ESPN have provided no comment on the matter!

You hate to beat a dead horse. I mean, really, the horse is dead already, and you don’t want to get a cramp before dinner let alone horse blood on your hands. But how many injuries—accidental or otherwise—need to happen to NFL players before we admit to ourselves that…Josh Allen is the greatest quarterback of all time?

If you want to make a difference in the aftermath of the Breonna Taylor case charges, consider donating to the Louisville Community Bail Fund: https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/louisville-community-bail-fund/

5,124 Americans died due to COVID-19 during Week 2 of the 2020 NFL season.