NFL Week 3 Report: Bills Fans, Vegan Violence, and Mardi Malade

NBA Finals, WNBA Finals, Stanley Cup Finals, MLB Playoffs, French Open Tennis, European Soccer—how the f*ck is the NFL going to stay relevant competing for attention against an unprecedented slate of sports happening worldwide?!

Grab your scuba gear and join me as we dive deep into the belly of the beast yet again to figure out what the hell is going after three weeks of FOOTBALL.

Battle of the Allen-mo 

Breaking News: The totally predictable thing finally happened. That’s right, folks: Josh Allen has become the media darling best quarterback in the NFL and maybe the most important human being for America since Abraham Lincoln. If Allen were to call upon all NFL fans to vote for him via write-in for president just weeks from now, you better believe Allen would give Biden and Trump a run for their money.

Snarky “intellectuals” pre-empted Monday’s insanely-hyped contest between King Mahomes and Prince Lamar with comments along the lines of “BuT wHaT aBoUt RuSseLl WiLsOn AnD aArOn RoDgErS?!” But the smartest people around—a.k.a. Bills fans and Allen sympathizers—know the truth: Josh Allen has taken the crown of Best NFL QB and just received a post-deadline nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize.

At the risk of misrepresenting either side of the Josh Allen “debate,” I will now perform the debate for you here so that you don’t have to waste away any more of your life reading Twitter or listening to Peyton Manning.

A Bills Fan (BF) and a Hostage (H) he has been keeping in his parents’ spare bedroom ever since the 2018 NFL Draft walk into a bar. A Bartender immediately tells them to leave because there’s a pandemic going on. The BF and H walk into another bar down the street. Yet another Bartender tells them to leave or else. Why all these hostile bartenders are in “closed” bars with unlocked doors, we’ll never know… Distraught, BF and H rob a liquor store and head to a nearby park.

H: Whew—that was a close one.

BF: Yeah…we should really stop robbing liquor stores at ten in the morning.

H: Huh? I paid for this.

BF: Yeah, totally—me too.

H: So…we didn’t rob the liquor store.

BF: It’s just an expression.

H: …Right.

BF: Man…can you believe Josh Al—

H: Damn it, Bills Fan—not again! You’re going to ruin my buzz.

BF: Just hear me out this time.

H: I’ve heard you out every week for the last two and a half years!

BF: But he’s getting better and better!

H: Even if that’s true—which is debatable—why do you need to tell me every week how good Josh Allen is?

BF: Because he’s been persecuted his whole career!

H: Jews were persecuted. Immigrants are persecuted. Josh Allen is not being and has not been persecuted.

BF: Whatever. Josh Allen is getting better and is already good. Not just good—he’s great. He’s elite. He’s a top-tier quarterback, and I want people to acknowledge that.

H: Okay, I acknowledge that he’s become a serviceable, albeit flawed starting NFL quarterback on a playoff team.

BF: Not good enough. Do you even watch football?

H: Only the Bills games you tape on VHS and force me to watch while I’m tied to a creaky wooden chair. So…not really.

BF: Josh Allen has 1,038 yards and 10 touchdowns through Week 3 this season. He has a quarterback rating of 124.8—second only to Russell Wilson. He’s led two 4^th quarter comebacks—

H: Against the Dolphins and Rams…

BF: Let me finish!

H: A “comeback” also means they were losing in the fourth quarter.

BF: Yeah, but…

H: The Bills were up 28-3 and then didn’t score until they were down 32-28 and gifted a pass interference penalty.

BF: So what? We won!

H: If Allen was so good, why didn’t they put away the game earlier?

BF: That’s on the defense!

H: …who had to work harder because Allen couldn’t finish the job.

BF: Can I just finish listing stats, please? He’s averaged 9.1 yards per attempts while completing 71.1% of his passes—

H: Philip Rivers leads the league at 78.3%. Is he the best quarterback in the NFL?

BF: No, but—

H: Gardner Minshew is at 73.8%. You would at least admit he is better than Josh Allen, right?

BF: Haha. Good one.

H: So a high completion percentage doesn’t necessarily point to quality quarterback play?

BF: Can I finish?

H: I don’t know—are you Josh Allen?

BF: …no, why would you say that?

H: You kind of look like him.

BF: Stop it.

H: I’m just saying—

BF: Do you ever want to see your family again?

H: *gulps*

BF: As I was saying… I, I mean, he has only one interception—

H: And three fumbles.

BF: So?

H: In three games.

BF: That’s only one a game.

H: That’s one a game.

BF: I’m—he’s out there making plays, man!

H: Yeah but—

BF: This is what I don’t understand. Josh Allen puts all his heart into the game.

H: Here we go…

BF: He lays it all out on the field. He grits and grinds through adversity and often has to lead the team to victory. He runs right at defenders instead of running out of bounds like a pussycat. He scrambles in the pocket instead of throwing it away. He ends wars and has even brought peace to the Middle East. He is simply unafraid. He’ll do whatever it takes. He plays hard and plays to win.

H: I really can’t disagree with any of that other than he plays to win. Running right at defenders and scrambling in the pocket are losing plays. That’s why he fumbles all the time. That’s why people call him reckless. Even if his accuracy improves, he has to stop being reckless.

BF: That’s like telling a shark to stop eating seals.

H: Huh?

BF: Being careful goes against Josh Allen’s nature. That’s why I’m such a beast!

H: Okay, but—

BF: Enough of this. I won’t hear it. You can’t make Josh Allen stop Josh Allen-ing. You just have to accept that I’m an elite quarterback, and the Bills are going to win the Super Bowl.

H: You know what? I think you’ve convinced me.

BF: I have?!

H: Yeah. You’ve convinced me that you’re insane, Josh Allen.

BF: I can’t help it. Circle the wagons, b*tches!

Bills Fan/Josh Allen slams a Straw-Ber-Rita, crushes the can against his forehead, and mimics riding a horse into the sunset. His Hostage, exhausted and drunk, passes out before he  realizes his chance to escape captivity. It’s just another Monday morning in Orchard Park, NY. 

Manic Monday 

Monday’s Chiefs-Ravens game didn’t quite live up to the hype as the Ravens decided not to show up on defense or offense for most of the game. Buoyed by Baltimore’s tears as well as an ever-deepening well of ignorance and frustration with their own lives, many people have taken to the streets to declare Lamar Jackson overrated, a running back, or a combination thereof. 

I advise you to avoid talking to these people or, really, interacting with them in any way. And, if you do run into somebody IRL who describes Jackson this way, law enforcement will probably* look the other way if you decide to hit this person over the head with a coconut until they become a piña colada. Am I advocating for violence? No. I’m advocating for vigilante justice. 

So, yes, I guess I am advocating for violence. But at least my version of violence is vegan.

*Just kidding—law enforcement would definitely mess you up for attacking a Lamar Truther.

Mardi Gras Malade (Sick Tuesday)

In a shocking turn of events that nobody saw coming, the Tennessee Titans started Week 4 with several positive tests for COVID-19. Nose tackle DaQuan Jones, long snapper Beau Brinkley, and practice squad tight end Tommy Hudson were among the positive tests, and I look forward to ESPN’s Bill Barnwell ranking their illnesses in terms of how they’ll affect the team’s upcoming performances. 

As of Tuesday night, the NFL told the Titans and the Steelers (their next opponent) that their game should still be played this week even though the Titans are not allowed to congregate at their practice facility until Saturday at the earliest and might have more players test positive. The Titans played their Week 3 game against the Vikings despite the fact that Shane Bowen, their outside linebackers coach and defensive play-caller, tested positive the day before the game. To the Titans’ credit, Bowen did not travel with the team for the game.

However, the rest of the team and coaching staff did, and the Tuesday infections weren’t even among the Titans’ outside linebackers. When a nose tackle, a long snapper, and a tight end test positive just two days after the outside linebackers coach tests positive, it’s safe to say there’s community spread on the team. 

Roger Goodell might argue that this was “not unexpected,” but the NFL doesn’t seem ready for what comes next. If you don’t really believe that science matters that much, then you’re not really ready for the consequences of an ongoing pandemic. Oh well! As of Tuesday night, it’s game on in just five days, a.k.a. the median time between COVID-19 infection and the onset of symptoms.

After seeing both MLB and the NFL subject their players to illness, we’d be remiss not to praise the NHL and NBA (soon, fingers crossed) for completing their seasons the way of The Bubble. Yeah, they also did it for the money, but at least they did it ostensibly the safest way possible. Shamefully, MLB is only trying to implement a capital-B Bubble (albeit potentially with fans) now that a billion dollars is on the line during the playoffs. Will the NFL do the same if their playoffs even happen?

Time will tell. Greed knows no bounds—especially in times of crisis. 

Bills fans should remember that before Lamar Jackson and the Ravens end their season in the divisional round this coming January.

5,162 Americans died due to COVID-19 during Week 3 of the 2020 NFL season.