Welcome to the NFL Spin Zone —a place where we can all just chill out, talk football, and pretend like 189,175 189,340* Americans (as of September 8th) haven’t died from COVID-19. Wait, what? Places like that already exist and are called “ESPN,” “The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally,” and “Florida”? Well, at least we’ll be in some esteemed company then.
Hey—only one NFL player has tested positive for the virus heading into Week 1, so maybe this isn’t a totally predictable lull before Labor Day infections and flu season commence!
Okay, enough about stuff that doesn’t matter.
Welcome back to the NFL Spin Zone—a place where I will waste precious time snooping around every team in the NFL and mining some optimism for the upcoming season. We begin in the National Football Conference (NFC)—a conference with three embarrassing Super Bowl losses (Falcons 28-3 collapse, Rams 3-13 loss, 49ers 20-10 collapse) in the last four years. Let’s see if we can’t weave some narratives of success for these teams heading into the 2020 season.
San Francisco 49ers (Last year: 13-3, made playoffs, lost the Super Bowl)
Sure, the pandemic may be “bad” overall for the world, but it has given the 49ers a psychological advantage coming into this season. Head coach Kyle Shanahan recently said on KNBR that artificial crowd noise “really is a form of human torture…” With the ability to torture their opponents both on the ground and through the air, the 49ers are going to win the Super Bowl.
Green Bay Packers (Last year: 13-3, won division, lost NFC Championship)
Yeah, the Pack was wack for drafting Jordan Love, but everyone expects this to fuel Aaron Rodgers’s well-documented, insatiable thirst for bloody revenge. Everyone expects Rodgers to turn back the clock to last year, when he was a great quarterback carrying an overachieving team to 13 wins and Super Aspirations, and prove to the world that Hate conquers Love. To boot, Packers General Manager (don’t say this name out loud in public) Brian Gutekunst is uncommonly enthusiastic about the team this year: “We feel really good about both our backup quarterbacks and feel they both have bright futures in the National Football League.” This is precisely why the Packers are going to win the Super Bowl.
New Orleans Saints (Last year: 13-3, made playoffs, lost in Wild Card round)
What will happen first: A COVID-19 vaccine is given to the general public, or Drew Brees turns 42? For the Saints, neither really matters. They’re a juggernaut capable of annihilating any team as long as it’s before Week 14. After Week 14, all the Saints need is for people to stop disrespecting the flag. As long as people respect the flag, Drew Brees will be strong enough to compete. If Drew Brees can compete, the Saints can compete. If the Saints can compete, they have a chance to make some noise. If they make some noise, they could win some games. If they win enough games, the Saints are going to win the Super Bowl.
Seattle Seahawks (Last year: 11-5, made playoffs, lost in divisional round)
The Seahawks are so good on defense this year that they didn’t even re-sign Jadeveon Clowney. That’s how much they believe in their pass rush. Meanwhile, we saw the resurfacing of Russell Wilson’s alter ego “Mr. Unlimited”—a.k.a. a man with no limits—this offseason. The last time Mr. Unliiiiiimited was around, Seattle was unstoppable and marched all the way to a Super Bowl victory Wild Card loss against the Cowboys. The cherry on top of the icing on the cake? Football historian/schmoozer Peter King has picked them to top the 49ers for the NFC West crown this year. Peter King can’t be denied: The Seahawks are going to win the Super Bowl.
Minnesota Vikings (Last year: 10-6, made playoffs, lost in divisional round)
I really didn’t believe in the Vikings’ offense last year and still doubted the team’s chances for this season as recently as last week, but then former NFL quarterback and next President of the United States Kirk Cousins said, “If I die, I die.” The Vikings are going to win the Super Bowl.
Philadelphia Eagles (Last year: 9-7, won division, lost in Wild Card round)
Eagles fans rejoice: You’ve got a quarterback in his prime, and his name is Jalen-as-soon-as-Carson-Wentz-gets-Hurts! Okay, but actually, though—you’ve got Prime Wentz (pending injury). You’ve got Miles Sanders (pending injury). You’ve got Jalen Reagor (pending injury). You’ve got Alshon Jeffrey (pending injury). You’ve got Brandon Brooks Andre Dilliard Lane Johnson Jason Peters (pending old age). You’ve got Doug Pederson (pending COVID-19).What could go wrong? Nothing, and that’s why the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl.
Los Angeles Rams (Last year: 9-7, missed playoffs)
Jared Goff is in the best shape of his life after switching to a Tom Brady diet. Rams left tackle Andrew Whitworth says Goff has a “new edge.” And Goff is saying things like, “And sometimes you need, you know, a punch in the face, a kick in the face…” Needless to say, if Goff puts some more kicks to the face in his diet, the Rams are going to win the Super Bowl.
Dallas Cowboys (Last year: 8-8, missed playoffs)
Sure—Cowboys fans might be writing open letters to Dak Prescott questioning his “character” because he doesn’t want to “commit” to the best team he’ll “likely ever be a part of,” but don’t this lovers’ quarrel fool you. Numerous hacks media outlets have assured us that the Cowboys could win the NFC. They have a new coach in Mike McCarthy that has won a Super Bowl before (and definitely wasn’t run out of Green Bay because he couldn’t figure out how to parlay Aaron Rodgers into wins). They have more offensive talent than the Patriots had in the entire Tom Brady era. And, for the record, Jason Garrett has actually, finally gone and taken his talents to New York. Surely, the Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl.
Chicago Bears (Last year: 8-8, missed playoffs)
The Bears traded for 88-million-dollar-quarterback Nick Foles this offseason and then announced the night before Labor Day weekend that Mitchell Trubisky will be their Week 1 starter. Just days after this good sign, another one: Bears General Manager Ryan Pace explained in this beautiful hypothetical earlier this week what a turnover is. With the winds of a functional, healthy quarterback situation and a fundamental understanding of the turnover beneath them, the Bears are going to win the Super Bowl.
Atlanta Falcons (Last year: 7-9, missed playoffs)
Coach Dan Quinn said earlier this week, “We like the group and where we are headed.” ‘Nuff said. The Falcons are going to win the Super Bowl.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Last year: 7-9, missed playoffs)
Tom Brady. Tampa Tom. Tampa Brady. Brady Buccaneer. Brady by the Bay. Buccaneer Brady. Rob Gronkowski. Gronk. Rob Gronk. Rob Kowski. Gronka Bay. As if that weren’t enough, newly-acquired running back Leonard Fournette just said, “For the first time in my life, I really have a quarterback…” Apologies to Blake Bortles, Chad Henne, Cody Kessler, Gardner Minshew II, and Nick Foles, but the Patriots Buccaneers are going to win the Super Bowl.
Arizona Cardinals (Last year: 5-10-1, missed playoffs)
The Cardinals are the darling, hot, fresh playoff pick for this coming season. This would usually be a sign that a team is about to underwhelm…but the fact that NFL expert Wale is starting Dwayne Haskins Jr. over Kyler Murray in fantasy football bends the arc of the universe back in the Cardinals’ direction. Given this plus how Murray was inconsolable after he learned of his Madden 21 rating, I expect Murray will throw for 9,000 touchdowns and -69 interceptions this season. The Cardinals are going to win the Super Bowl.
Carolina Panthers (Last year: 5-11, missed playoffs)
Head coach Matt Rhule didn’t seem pleased with the team’s practice last Friday, but that’s no cause for concern because Rhule has the answer to make everything better: “Fans, no fans, preseason, no preseason, we know we’ve got to get our minds right and have that juice, have that energy and go out there and play the game.” Wise words, coach Rhule. With all that juice flowing, the Panthers are going to win the Super Bowl.
New York Giants (Last year: 4-12, missed playoffs)
Danny Dimes! Saquon Barkley! Jason Garrett! Some other guys! The Giants are for real now that Eli Manning’s corpse career has left the building, and yet there’s not one iota of Super Buzz with this team. Why is that? Could the sports media bias against New York sports teams really be that strong? I guess so. All I know is that the Giants are going to win the Super Bowl.
Detroit Lions (Last year: 3-12-1, missed playoffs)
After years of mediocrity and underachievement, the Lions are finally banking on a sound strategy: They are loading up on running backs. With Kerryon Johnson, D’Andre Swift, Ty Johnson, and Adrian Peterson (who couldn’t keep a roster spot on the Washington Football Team), the Lions have ensured that they will have a starting running back no matter how many others get COVID-19 injured. The Lions are going to win the Super Bowl.
Washington Football Team (Last year: 3-13, missed playoffs)
I wouldn’t touch this organization with a ten foot pole right now, but the Washington Football Team is going to…spend another three decades in hell before the sins of its past have been atoned for.
Coming tomorrow: Why the fans of each AFC team should be booking February flights to Tampa Bay.**
*165 Americans died due to COVID-19 during the writing of this column.
**Please do not book flights or buy Super Bowl tickets based on the content of this column. The author is not liable for the financial/health/moral ramifications that come with booking any flight, anytime, anywhere for any reason or buying tickets to any event, anytime, anywhere for any reason.
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