A balding man with a bulging stomach snores incessantly as he sits propped up on a creaky, wooden chair in a dimly lit basement. He has been asleep since February 2, 2020—the night Patrick Mahomes II led the Kansas City Chiefs to a comeback Super Bowl victory over the San Francisco 49ers. In the interim, cobwebs have grown in every corner of this self-imposed prison cell like mold on a carved pumpkin a week post-Halloween. Worms and crickets continue to slither and hop along the barely-carpeted floor around the sleeping man’s cankles. Empty beer cans litter the room like Starbucks cups and cigarettes just off the nearest highway.
A 55” Vizio suddenly flashes light across the man’s face and exposes every crevice and gray hair in his skin. Startled awake, the man slowly comes to. He rubs his hands into his eyes with skin so dry it sounds like sandpaper. The man’s eyes open wider and wider. He leans in towards the Vizio. A timer on the screen goes 0:03, 0:02, 0:01, 0:00. Heavenly orchestration echoes through the dungeon. The man practically becomes one with the television. After the final horn sounds, a familiar voice: “Football!”
The NFL is back!
That’s right—the NFL is back. Starting tonight, football will become the latest sport vying to wrestle the attention and money of fans away from the ongoing pandemic that has killed 190,366* Americans so far. And it will succeed. Hell, you’re the one already here reading this column to see if the Pittsburgh Steelers have enough juice to win the Super Bowl this year (spoiler alert: They do!).
So sit back, relax, crack open a cold one, and lose yourself in “optimism” for the next 1,866 words as I continue this mind-numbing exercise and figure out which AFC team will win the Super Bowl come February. If you missed Pt. 1 of this journey, you can head here to see which NFC teams also have the guts to go all the way this season.
Baltimore Ravens (Last year: 14-2, made playoffs, lost in divisional round)
Hey, Ravens fans: Need a boost after last year’s disappointing finish? Look no further than Mark Ingram Jr.’s comments this week. When asked about Lamar Jackson, Ingram said Jackson is “a million times ahead of where he was at this point last year.” If Ingram is correct (and why wouldn’t he be?), then, by my calculations, Lamar Jackson will throw for 3.13 billion yards and run for 1.2 billion yards this year while scoring 43 million touchdowns along the way. Clearly, the Ravens are going to win the Super Bowl.
Kansas City Chiefs (Last year: 12-4, made playoffs, won the Super Bowl)
The Chiefs get to begin their title defense with 16,000 fans cheering as an U.S. Air Force B-2 stealth bomber wastes taxpayer dollars screams across the sky above Arrowhead stadium before their game tonight against the Texans. Having the U.S. Military intervene on your behalf when facing Deshaun Watson has to be the apex of NFL defense. Not even Refrigerator Perry could match the intensity and toughness of a war machine. With a spec ops defense and a $500 million dollar man helming the offense, the Chiefs are going to win the Super Bowl (again).
New England Patriots (Last year: 12-4, made playoffs, lost in Wild Card round)
Bill Belichick knows Patriots fans need a boost. Yeah, Cam Newton is in town and poised to have a late-career peak season, but Tom Brady is gone for good and so is the psychological edge that came with being the NFL’s dominant dynasty for the last two decades. Well, Belichick delivered the buzz earlier this week when he said, “I think we’ve been in a pretty good place…And we still have a lot more to do. We’re not where we would normally be at this time of year, but I don’t think anybody else is either…” If Belichick is right and the entire NFL is now on a level playing field, then he’s got everyone right where he wants them. The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl.
Houston Texans (Last year: 10-6, made playoffs, lost in divisional round)
Breaking News: DeAndre Hopkins wasn’t worth it, and Bill O’Brien is a genius. Who needs Hopkins, anyway? People seem to be more excited about the Cardinals than the Texans this year, but people are often wrong. Who cares if Will Fuller V hasn’t played more than 11 games in a season since his rookie year or Brandin Cooks is questionable for tonight’s game—Houston has fourth-string wide receiver Randall Cobb, who thinks the Texans “have the pieces” this year. With all the pieces coming into place, The Texans are going to win the Super Bowl.
Buffalo Bills (Last year: 10-6, made playoffs, lost in Wild Card round)
Listen: In case I haven’t been clear on this point, the pandemic is no joke. COVID-19 is real. If the NFL is going to forge ahead, teams need to prepare as best they can in case this horrifying virus wreaks havoc on their locker rooms. With this in mind, you have to give credit to the Bills for isolating third-string quarterback Jake Fromm from the team this season…in case Josh Allen and Matt Barkley get sick and the Bills need somebody to lead them to victory. With Jake Fromm as their ace in all that is unholy, the Bills are going to win the Super Bowl.
Tennessee Titans (Last year: 9-7, made playoffs, lost AFC Championship)
Titans fans have to share head coach Mike Vrabel’s enthusiasm about signing Jadeveon Clowney last weekend. Vrabel seems downright giddy about adding a pass rusher the rest of the NFL was lining up to sign and has his team’s sights set on the AFC Championship once again. Ryan Tannehill proved last year that 31 is the new 21 when it comes to having a breakout season, and Derrick Henry proved that carrying the ball 386 times (incl. playoffs) doesn’t necessarily result in life-altering injury if you play it right. Carry it to the bank: The Titans are going to win the Super Bowl.
Pittsburgh Steelers (Last year: 8-8, missed playoffs)
While the feel-good story of Ryan Shazier’s career may be coming to an end, the equally feel-good story of Ben Roethlisberger’s career seems to be finding its groove again. In late August, Roethlisberger said, “I’m pleasantly surprised how my arm strength has come back, maybe even better than it was before…” Holy f*ck, better than before?! The Steelers are going to win the Super Bowl.
Indianapolis Colts (Last year: 7-9, missed playoffs)
Rodrigo Blankenship, the Colts’ new kicker, plays with LEGOs before important life events. If Blankenship isn’t a bro’s bro, I don’t know what a bro is. What I do know is that if I had been playing LEGOs with the bros when I was 23, I probably would’ve turned out to be a happier person. The Colts are going to win the Super Bowl.
New York Jets (Last year: 7-9, missed playoffs)
This weirdly intimate existential crisis about Sam Darnold should get Jets fans excited for this season. Plus, Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams apparently has a “secret weapon” this season: rookie safety Ashtyn Davis. Not so secret now, huh?! But seriously, a rookie, third-round draft pick is exactly the kind of player you need to play winning football. Thank goodness the Jets have Davis this year instead of, say, an All-Pro safety entering his prime like Jamal Adams. With Darnold wooing New York sportswriters and Gregg Williams breaking out his stockpile of CIA-caliber ballistics, the Jets are going to win the Super Bowl.
Denver Broncos (Last year: 7-9, missed playoffs)
Von Miller may be out for the season, but so-called “neutral” analysts are underestimating just how insane the Broncos’ offense is going to be this year. This team is going to dominate defenses all over the league in a way that will make Miller’s injury a moot point. Plus, the Broncos are in line to be one of the first home teams with fans cheering them on in the stadium: 5,700 fans will be allowed at their Week 3 contest against Tompa Bay. On one hand, having fewer than 6,000 fans doesn’t seem worth…anything, really. On the other hand, having those fans is going to be SO AWESOME. Lock it in: The Broncos are going to win the Super Bowl.
Oakland Las Vegas Raiders (Last year: 7-9, missed playoffs)
Meanwhile, the newly-minted Vegas Raiders aren’t going to have any fans in their brand-new, 40%-taxpayer-funded Allegiant Stadium this year. Back in June, Raiders owner Mark Davis didn’t seem happy about the idea of putting ads in front-row seats instead of fans at risk of contracting COVID-19. I have done the mental calculus on this opinion and concluded that Mark Davis is a genius, which means the Raiders are going to win the Super Bowl.
Cleveland Browns (Last year: 6-10, missed playoffs)
On a serious note, a story came out yesterday in which Myles Garrett admitted his on-field altercation with Mason Rudolph last year almost resulted in his retirement from the NFL. Garrett seems to have done more introspection on this incident that most people do in their entire lifetimes. Props to him. That said, FOOTBALL. If the Browns beat the Ravens here in Week 1, they are going to win the Super Bowl. If they lose to the Ravens in Week 1, the Browns are still going to win the Super Bowl. If they tie the Ravens in Week 1….who cares, honestly, the Browns are just going to win the Super Bowl regardless.
Jacksonville Jaguars (Last year: 6-10, missed playoffs)
Don’t take my word for it—former Jaguar great and current webcaster Mark Brunell can tell you how expecting literally nothing from a football team can lead to greatness. And, while expectations may be low in Jacksonville, attendance at the Jaguars’ home games will be high this year (relative to the rest of the NFL): 16,791 fans will be in attendance at Jaguars games to start the season. That’s 16,791 reasons why the Jaguars are going to be liable for wrongful death lawsuits win the Super Bowl.
Los Angeles Chargers (Last year: 5-11, missed playoffs)
This Los Angeles Times clickbait asks the wrong question. The question is not if Justin Herbert is the next Philip Rivers but rather when will Justin Herbert become the next Tom Brady? The answer: Justin Herbert will become the next Tom Brady by Week 2 of this season. And the reason why Herbert will be the next Brady by Week 2 is that people are racist will quickly realize that Tyrod Taylor is not white the next Tom Brady and call for Herbert to immediately start the process of becoming the next Tom Brady. Herbert will start by Week 6, pull the team above .500 by Week 12, and become Tom Brady by Week 17. In the playoffs, anything can happen as long as you have the next Tom Brady, and that’s why the Chargers are going to win the Super Bowl.
Miami Dolphins (Last year: 5-11, missed playoffs)
On the strength of fan attendance almost as robust as their north Florida neighbors, the Dolphins can be expected to shatter people’s lives expectations this season. When Bill Belichick calls your starting quarterback “unpredictable” and “a tough competitor,” you know you’ve got a leader on the field who can sling it in ways even big ol’ Billy Belicheat can’t see coming. With the ability to stump hall of fame coaches, fortune tellers, and epidemiologists alike, the Dolphins are going to win the Super Bowl.
Cincinnati Bengals (Last year: 2-14, made missed playoffs)
Ah, yes—finally, we arrive at Joe Burrow and the Southwest Ohio Bengals. Just typing Burrow’s name is like smoking an American Spirit: Burrow promises to be more “Joe Cool” than Joe Flacco and Joe Montana ever were combined, but he’s got a championship bite to him. If you’re still reading this, you’ve probably figured out that I’m full of sh*t and this column idea really shouldn’t have extended to all 32 teams, but here we are. We made it. And, I have to be honest with you: I really do believe in Joe Burrow. At 23 years of old age, he’s not just some young hotshotwhippersnapper looking to coast his first couple years in the NFL. He’s already been named a team captain, for god’s sake! And just yesterday, he said, “I’m not here to go .500 and squeak into the playoffs. I’m out here to win games and win championships.” Lord almighty—somebody get me a fan!
The only way the Cincinnati Bengals don’t win the Super Bowl this year is if the NFL season somehow ends prematurely due to totally unforeseen circumstances. But we all know that’s not going to happen.
Right?
*1,026 Americans died due to COVID-19 between Parts 1 and 2 of this column.
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